I rolled over and stared into the darkness and allowed my thoughts to flow. My thoughts bounced back and forth between acknowledging anxiety and focusing on the present moment. I felt guilty for feeling anxious because I know that what is most important is what is right in front of me, and if I am experiencing anxiety that means I am focusing/worrying about what's ahead and not what is "right now". So I laid there, feeling anxious and guilty and a little sticky because I didn't turn my air conditioning down last night, thinking that the breeze from the storm would cool the house down, but it didn't. I closed my eyes and I asked myself, "why? why are you anxious???" I was taken back to a conversation I had over the weekend with a friend. We were discussing tattoos when she said, "I don't understand why people get quotes and sayings as tattoos. Maybe you like that quote today, but ten years down the road, your life may have changed and that will be completely irrelevant to you." Well, being someone who has a script tattoo, I shared the reasoning behind my decision.
"In some cases, I believe that people get certain tattoos, most specifically script, because they want to remember what it meant to them in that moment. I got a tattoo last year that was specific to where I was in my life at that time. I am not in that place in my life anymore, but I don't want to forget what I felt and what I was going through when I got it, because the memory of that time and the lessons I learned are what have carried me along."
The tattoo is a scripture that I kept coming back to whenever I felt overwhelmed with worry and anxiety. Last year, around this time I had just lost my job, I could no longer afford my apartment, I was in an unhealthy and unstable relationship, I had plenty of clothes but could only fit my leggings, t-shirts, and a few select maxi-dresses (really anything that would stretch or had some breathing room), and I was having great interviews but I couldn't get a job. Actually, let me clarify the last statement... I had been offered a couple of jobs soon after being let go from my previous, but I turned them down. From the outside looking in, I know it looked like a crazy and irresponsible decision, and sometimes on the inside it felt that way. I made different excuses for why I turned those jobs down, but what it really came down to for me was this: I had to trust my gut. I wanted those jobs, but something was just telling me "NO" and I couldn't shake it. So, I took a huge step in trusting my gut and I declined the jobs. I had to trust that I would be taken care of, even when things made no sense... and I was- I was taken care of. I spent a lot of time with myself, in reflection and meditation. My friends and family reached out in many ways on many occasions, and I was taken care of. I had a roof over my head, food in my kitchen (most of the time), and plenty of love and support. So when I look at my tattoo, I am reminded that faith and trust will get me much further than worry and anxiety. I am reminded that everyday, I am growing. I am reminded that everyday, I am taken care of. And I am reminded that everyday, what I have is the very moment in front of me...the now.
So, while I am not so righteous as to deny that I ever feel anxious or worried, I am reminded today that while I may not feel awesome, I am awesome and I have no reason to dwell on feeling worried and anxious...and the same goes for you. Happy Monday :)