Thursday, February 20, 2014

Turning "They" into "We"

For months I have been going back and forth with myself on what to write, how to write it, and when to post it. I'll start writing a post and then about midway through the post, I'll stop or I'll keep writing with absolutely no inspiration which, at that point, I'm better off stopping. I did that today. I started a post and about half way through, I lost inspiration and found myself writing just for the sake of trying to finish what I started, and I hate that. I hate writing without inspiration because it is so easy to recognize the difference between something that is written with passion and something that is written  just to be written. So, I took a break. I took a nap. I made some tea. I checked some emails. And now I am back to writing. And in that little time I took, away from writing, I realized what was going on- why I was losing the inspiration for these posts that I started with such great passion and would fizzle before I could even get out of the first paragraph. My passion was fizzling away because I was purposely trying to make a big deal out of whatever I was writing. When I decided I was going to start this blog, it was not because I wanted to make a big deal about things; it was because I wanted to share my experiences in the hopes of helping or inspiring someone along the way.

So...back to my initial thought. For months, I have been contemplating how I would write this post, how I would position it, when would be the right time to post it. Should I make it funny? Should I make it mysterious? Should I make it serious? Should I pick a special date to do it? Should I build some kind of anticipation around it? Hmmm...ain't nobody got time for that. I have written and re-written and deleted and restarted this post more times than I care to share, and after all of that I have finally realized: "There ain't nothin' to it, but to do it." So, here we go folks...


I am queer.

Well, that was easy! But wait- was it really? Sure, it was easy to type up that three word sentence, sure. But that doesn't discount the fact that my armpits are sweating, my mind is racing, and my hands are shaking just a bit. I can't control the sweaty pits, racing mind, and jittery hands, so I'll just keep writing.
I could write about what it was like to come out to my mom for the third and final time at the age of 26 (the first time was when I was in the 4th grade and the second time was in college). I could write about the years I spent praying to a God whom I wanted so badly to serve with all of my heart, but couldn't understand why this God made me "wrong". I could write about all the times that people have asked me if I have a boyfriend and I've purposely chosen to just say "no" with no further explanation. I could write about all the reasons I have been told I shouldn't be gay (that's an interesting list). I could write about all the times I talked about how gross it was when a girl had a crush on me, even though I may have secretly liked her too. I could write about how scared I have felt that I would have to watch friends and family members walk out of my life if I ever decided to come out. I could write about how disappointed I have been in myself for being an open supporter by day, and living it up in the safety of the closet by  night.  I could write books about all of those things...but what has really fueled my passion in writing today, has been this...

Last week, U.S. District Judge John G. Heyburn II ruled that Kentucky's prohibition violates the U.S. Constitution's guarantee of equal protection under the law by treating queer folks "differently in a way that demeans them." You can imagine the conversation that this ruling has sparked amongst Kentuckians- those who support as well as those who oppose. I have listened to people talk about "the abomination of our nation" and "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." I am not surprised that some people would react this way...I mean, if people didn't react that way, then there would be no need for a movement, no need to fight for OUR rights (ooh, "our"...that felt good). This is not to say that I approve of the commentary, it's just to say that I am not surprised. But what has prompted my writing today has been my questioning people's constant assumption that a) I am hetero and b) I concur with their views and opinion.  I would find it rather odd if a man walked up to me and expected me to agree that I should be paid less than my male counterparts. I would be baffled if a white person walked up to me and expected me to agree to use a different water fountain than my white counterparts.  I would be baffled with these approaches because it should be seemingly easy for one to look at me and see that I am woman, just as it is also pretty obvious that I am black. But sometimes, I forget to put the "QUEER" stamp on my forehead on my way out the door in the mornings. So, on the mornings that I forget my stamp, I have realized that there is really no way for people to know that I disagree with their views or, even moreso, to know that they are talking about me, unless I actually open my mouth and say it.

For a while, I struggled with the decision of whether or not it was necessary to "come out". Over the past few years, we have seen many celebrities and public figures open up and take this step. And as a result of their actions, we have seen a surge of urgency, awareness and change, as well as a greater sense of community, and individuals building up the courage to share their personal journeys and coming out stories. Coming out is a very personal process; and I have found that once you decide to to come out to the public, it is a never-ending process. I say it is never ending because realistically,  you will be forever coming out to almost every new person you meet, especially those who ask about your wife, when you actually have a husband or your boyfriend, when you actually have a girlfriend...it never ends. But back to my point of whether or not coming out is necessary. It depends on what you want. I believe that my sexuality is my own...and this is not kindergarten, so I don't have to share it with anyone if I don't want to. But it's nice when you share, right? You get gold stars for sharing, and I can't lie... I like gold stars. If you choose to keep it to yourself, you are well within your rights to do so. Ideally, I would love to one day live in a society where coming out is no longer necessary because we don't make assumptions about one another's sexuality and homophobia is laid to rest. For now, that is more of an ideal than it is a reality. But if you want see that ideal become a reality and you have the courage to change history...if you want to earn some gold stars, then yes, come on out and make your presence known. People can't know that their best friend, brother, sister, co-worker, neighbor, news anchor, favorite singer, or local coffee shop barista is being oppressed and denied the rights in which their heterosexual counterparts are so happily welcomed partake, unless you open your mouth and say it.
I applaud those who take that step in speaking up and speaking out, because in your doing so, you create a sense of awareness amongst your friends, family, and peers, letting them know that this hits a lot closer to home than they may have realized.  You create a sense of community, letting others know that they are not alone, and giving them the courage to also speak up and speak out.

Thank you for giving me the courage to change my "they" to "we", "them" to "us", and "their" to "our."  You have given me the courage to speak up and speak out when I forget my "QUEER" stamp in the mornings. And I can only hope, that I might inspire someone else in that same way.

...and my armpits have stopped sweating...in case anyone was wondering.






120 comments:

  1. Thanks for speaking up and speaking out!

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    1. Thanks for your support, Kelly :)

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    2. Wow...and? Thats cool but not important ppl like you get recognition and praise for being gay me 29 came out over ten years ago...what did i get?..hurt ,abuse, and shitted on ..now my other half kidnapped 6 years ago dont know if shes died or alive..be thankful the world has recognized you as a human and gave you attention for it

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    3. Every person who comes out is a hero. It sucks that some get support while others get rejected. It sucks that my girlfriend's parents support me and my own do not. But that doesn't mean that it's not difficult or commendable to come out. Public figures like Djuan are in the unique position to speak to a much louder audience than us lowly "average" people, so they get more love...and hate. It's not more important than your or my coming out, but it's certainly not less important.

      Anonymous, I'm so sorry you were hurt and abused fore being honest about who you are. But bravo for doing it anyway! Who knows how many people were given the courage to come out because of you. Thank you for having courage.

      But please don't take away from anyone else's coming out experience because yours was "more" difficult or "less" celebrated. We have enough opposition without turning on each other.

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    4. 'scuse me a much larger* audience.

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  2. I truly appreciate that you have the courage + honesty to not only accept your identity, but to share it with others.

    I'm having a difficult time speaking up for myself- and speaking from within.

    Revisiting your piece gives me strength and encouragement.

    Thank you for allowing me to feel that I am not alone. ✌

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    1. Mission accomplished. Thank YOU, Loydie.

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  3. My boo, Dare I say I like you MORE?!?! I don't know why, and I never thought I could like you more, but I do. My brother told me when he was 12. He didn't tell my parents until he was 14, and now he is 16 and we are all so proud of him. And I'm proud of you! I thought you were amazing and beautiful before and now I think you are amazing-er and still the same amount of beautiful lmao. Thanks for sharing. Gonna send your blog over to my bro!

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    1. Shainaaa :)
      Thank YOU, I'm sure your brother can relate. My brother just straight up asked me before I could actually come out to him, it was kinda funny, haha...

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  4. I enjoyed reading this sis. I couldn't imagine this process.

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  5. This is an incredible source of joy in my day! Very proud and happy for you. Hope you are well!

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  6. I am a 65 year old straight woman with 3 grown children. My best friend told me he was gay when I was 19 years old. I cried for 3 hours. I then realized he was still the same person. We all walk the same earth, we all breathe the same air and we all have blood running through our veins. You are who you are because God made you that way for a reason.Never be ashamed and never apologize, keep smiling. Linda Sinclair

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    1. My sentiments, exactly. Thank you, Linda. Peace to you :)

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  7. Awesome! Kudos to you for having the courage to speak up and come out! Your bravery will help decrease homophobia and help countless others in their coming out journey! Wishes for all the best from Bloomington, Indiana.... <3

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  8. That's weird...my post disappeared. So I will write it again...
    Thank you, Djuan for having the bravery to speak up and come out publically! It will help lessen homophobia, increase our acceptance by society and make life easier for others who are LGBT and trying to come out! Sending you much love, respect and best wishes from Bloomington, Indiana! :)

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    1. Ahh you're from Bloomington too! I really love the accepting culture we have, especially with the Pride Film Fest.

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  9. Each step out of the closet helps another who is paralyzed inside. Kudos to you for your journey. <3

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    1. Thank you, Renee. Someone helped me. Gotta pay it forward :)

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  10. from the rolling hills of north carolina, we're sending appreciation to you... for being who you are!

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    1. I love North Carolina! Spent some time there, growing up. Thank you!

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  11. As a former Miss Georgia competitor and typical girl next door Southern beauty queen, thank you thank you thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. So many times I look at my crowns and trophies and feel like a fraud. No. I am gay. And I grew up doing pageants. And that's just fabulous. :) so thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!

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    1. Hello, Djuan and former Miss Georgia competitor! I too am gay and was in the Miss Kentucky pageant a few years ago. I hate to reply as 'anonymous', but it's not my time. Your courage and the way you told of your experience is inspiring. Maybe I will too find my voice and enough courage to just 'be' who I am and not feel like I have to hide the real me from certain sets of people. Thank you!

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    2. You will find the courage, just realize that it's totally okay to take your time. That's actually the most important thing. Peace to you :)

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  12. Marsha A GriffithMarch 1, 2014 at 3:30 PM

    As another former Miss KY (1975) I say congratulations and welcome to the club.
    Marsha Griffith

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  13. What a great blog! Your words are a critical expression of openness and honesty...I applaud you!

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  14. People coming out on a public as well as on a personal level are the biggest reason why society is changing so rapidly for the better for all LGBTQ people. There is still a long way to go for full equality and acceptance but it will happen. Thank you for acknowledging and sharing your truth!

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    1. Thank YOU! I am starting to realize with everyday how important it is now, to open up and share. I feel so blessed to know that I am able to inspire others and open eyes :)

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  15. Thank you and congratulations for coming out, Djuan. You do Kentucky proud!

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  16. I applaud your courage! Welcome to the club! ;-) It is folks like you that can help raise awareness and let the world know that we are just people, whatever we grow up to be! We just want to love and be loved like everyone else.......Thank you!

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    1. Thank you, Jami. Feels good to be out :)

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  17. Thank you for your bravery! I have been following the events in Kentucky very closely and am so excited to see someone as wonderful as you to come out and put a face on to LGBT folks in Kentucky. http://castropatrol.org/bulletins/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Harvey-Milk-Poster-with-Postage-Stamp.jpg

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  18. thank you for inspiring so many more to come out and live a life full of pride.

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    1. It is my humble pleasure...thank you :)

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  19. Thank you for your courage and your honesty. Many of us have struggled with the types of issues you mentioned. Those of us who choose to open the closet door must decide whether or not to step out of it on an almost daily basis. The decision is never easy, and there isn't always a right option to choose. May God bless you as you continue upon your journey.

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    1. Thank you... I'm glad you can relate. Blessing to you!

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  20. Thank you SO MUCH for inspiring! And congratulations to you!!

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  21. Thank you, Djuan!

    As one of your trans sisters who once lived in Kentucky (Louisville) from 2001-2010, I definitely applaud you for taking this one small step for you, but a giant leap for the Kentucky LGBT community.

    You help emphatically drive home the point that LGBT people are just living their lives, following their dreams and wanting to do so without interference.

    As you pointed out, the more people we have coming out, speaking their truth and living their lives, the better.

    Thank you for sharing yours.

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    1. Thank you Monica! Step by step... I'm glad to be a part :)

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  22. Djuan! You are my hero of the day! I am a queer femme who lived in Kentucky from the day I was born in 1975 until 1999 when I no longer felt that I could live there safely and express my full self and identity. I have been living on the West Coast ever since but my heart is still in Kentucky and I hope that the day comes when I can move home with my partner and not be afraid for our safety, by how people look at us and treat us, and in the end, that my family will finally value us and accept us as they do all my heterosexual cousins and their partners. Thank you for your bravery!

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    1. I can totally relate! I contemplated moving to the west coast for quite a while! Thank you for sharing :)

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  23. Your courage is so inspirational to me-I want to do the same thing sometime in the near future, or I might burst.

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    1. You'll know when the time is right, Izzy. You won't burst, haha :)
      Well... you might. Don't be surprised by the rainbow confetti either :P

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  24. What an incredible, and incredibly brave post. Brava!

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  25. well, heck! regardless of "how" many times we have individually "outed" ourselves to others...though for us, WE HAVE been OUT all of our lives in one fashion or another....I thank you for being an inspiration to those that are not quite ready to say those life changing words of, "I.AM.QUEER." and to you I sit here and respect and admire your bravery, courage and strength you show through your words, for others to understand that each individual journeys in their own way and time. congratulations and WELCOME to the ever expanding family!

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  26. Thank you so much for coming out and I love the reasons why. I'm currently a local titleholder in the Miss America Org (in NY) and my platform is developing safe, welcoming schools for LGBT youth. I'd love to chat with you! You're seriously a hero for coming out in such a public way as a former titleholder.

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    1. How brave and awesome, Ms. Crandall. Wow!

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    2. Oh wow! That is awesome! Kudos to you :)
      email me at djuanktrent@gmail.com

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  27. I hope I can come out half this eloquently one day. Your words describing how others assume you are hetero and discuss their prejudices about the LGBT issues really hit home. I live in Alabama, not in a progressive pocket, and I cry alone almost daily because of the hateful things people say about gays. So, you are an inspiration, and please know I will be re-reading your post often because it is beautiful!

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    1. I can totally understand. I am a true southerner at heart...born and raised in Georgia and now living in Kentucky. Surround yourself with good folks or keep a journal. Feel free to re-read as often as you'd like and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE :)

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  28. Thank you for this post, and for your bravery. All happiness to you!

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  29. From one queer to another... You're brave, eloquent and beautiful (inside and out!). Congratulations on coming out. xo

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  30. um, welcome out of the closet? not sure that's right, but i hope everyone you know and love proves that this "event" is a complete non-event and that your sweat dries, and your brow unfurls and you relax and live! and love how you are.

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    1. Haha... I get it. And..um... thank you? :)

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  31. Great post! I love the paragraph about people assuming you agree with them when they start spouting hate. I just shared it on www.facebook.com/pages/SafeSchoolsNC/87005348718

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    1. Awesome! Thank you, Summer! Peace to you :)

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  32. I am so happy that you are now an "us". like the other poster wrote, hopefully this type of thing will be a non-event. Live, relax and love. That is the most important!

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  33. THANK YOU for coming out! Your bravery will make it easier for all of us.

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    1. As someone made it easier for me... thank you :)

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  34. Babe! You rock! At 27, if you're already this matured! We're gonna have a blast seeing the next generation blossom, bloom and lead the world into a better era!

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    1. Thank you :) I'm excited for the generations to come!

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  35. Fantastic blog. I send my congratulations to you on taking that step to be yourself. For many years, I have tried to never assume and I appreciate the reminder that it devalues a person's life to assign them my expectations. Stay strong and live with happiness and love. With the respect of a straight ally, Michael

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    1. We need more allies like you, Michael! Kudos to you- that's awesome.

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  36. Thank you so much for coming out.

    Queer ladies still have such shady representation in the world. Typically we are cast with the eye of being festishized and rarely seen as real people with feelings and insecurities. I am incredibly grateful for this post and so happy that it is being spread around as it is. Hopefully with this post, more people will find the courage to come out and know that it won't stop them from being who they want to be.

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  37. Never allow anyone to define you, because if they do, they'll try to confine you! Great job!

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  38. Being true to yourself and having to even make a decision to tell people who you are must be so hard to live with. It sucks that even in today's supposed "enlightened" society, you have to be "brave" to be yourself.
    Hopefully, one day, the world will be an accepting place and there will be no differentiation - we'll all just be humans.

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  39. It's nice to see young, intelligent, African Americans taking a stand on these issues. I'm tired of all of the rappers and celebrities getting the spotlight when there are social issues and human rights issues in our community that need to be addressed. Your generation is much braver and more progressive than mine. We're still catching up. I simply want a better, more tolerant society for my kids. We're getting there. Baby steps. God Bless!

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  40. Thank you for bringing the word "queer" back into society. I haven't heard that word since 1979 and I was born in 1994.

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    1. Haha...it's becoming more common these days. Still a little taboo to some, but still more used than it was...

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  41. Why would you use the word queer to describe yourself? It is hard enough to do what you have done I just don't understand why you would give yourself that label....

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    1. It's not a derogatory word by nature, people have just used it that way in years past. It has been in the process of being reclaimed as an umbrella term to include anyone who identifies as not heterosexual/straight and/or not cisgender or gender conforming.
      Hope this clears things up! :)

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    2. ...as "Summer" said above. Some people will spew hate. I'm not hating or spewing hate...all I have to say is GOD is merciful.

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  42. Congratulations and thank you!!

    A fellow Queer in Wisconsin...

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  43. I'm a 75 year-old person (woman) who is proud to say I was among the first group of transgender people in San Francisco back when the Gay community did not accept them. My experience was awesome. My man friend at the time described himself as, "a woman in a man's body". And so he was. His was the best relationship I've ever had. I miss him/her!

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  44. The only shocking thing about your coming out was the expression "I'm queer". Seems like an old, derogatory description but I would assume it is part of terminology you are accustomed to.
    The other reaction I have is " So?" You are what you are and what you are is a beautiful, charming young women. Congratulations on your win.

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  45. Good for you, and for all of us. Bravery is often its own reward, but what you've done with this opportunity will encourage others to challenge their preconceived notions about what it means to be true to oneself. Thank you for leading the charge, and cheers from the Northeast.

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  46. Its 2014 who really cares, DO you and be happy. And if people cant accept you for who you are THEN THEY CAN GO...bottom line this isn't news

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  47. I know you must be relieved. Be proud of who you are and be glad you can now live an honest life.

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  48. Congratulations on coming out. It's a huge step that I often equate to tap dancing in a mine field.

    It's hard at first be it gets easier. Living an honest life is the best gift that we can give each other. Closets are dark and cramped. Things are better out of the closet where the sun can shine on you.

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  49. Thank you for being so brave to stand up and be counted among the LBGTQ community. You deserve all the gold stars on the page.

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  50. You've done a wonderful thing by using your public position to raise awareness - we are lucky to have people like you in the world to look up to!

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  51. Excellent post. I'm happy for you. My sister is queer too. Although she has never said it out loud, she is flying her flag high on Facebook and I'm happy for her.

    And yes, you deserve gold stars!!

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  52. As a straight Kentuckian that fights for marriage equality in our state, I say to you, welcome to life out of the closet. I hope that you will be an inspiration and a voice in this state, fighting for equality. My husband and I became ordained so that, if Kentucky ever legalizes it, we can perform same sex marriages for free.

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  53. God bless you on your journey of truth ...discovery..proclamation..courage and pride. I have been in an industry for years that allows all of us to express ourselves in more ways than one...immediate family members have taught me what love is on many levels and I'm proud of all of my relatives who are bold enough to stand in their truth!! Hats off to you and much love and success to you in everything you do!!

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  54. Djuan,

    Thank you for finding the bravery and boldness to come out. So very proud of you, and to know of you. I was locked in my closet for 37 years before I found the strength and courage to come out as trans. Life is so awesome for me now, though sometimes pretty scary it is beautiful.

    Love and Hugs!!

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  55. That is good that you decided to share with everyone what is not anyones personal concern; and I can understand the frustration of some of your readers because celebrity does give individuals a pass more often than not. Because this is an issue; what do you recommend for coping with the stress of "coming out of the closet." LOL, I can not do more than I'm allowed; youre platform is so much bigger!

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  56. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. As a proud member of the HRC, I thank you so much for your inspirational courage and Judge Heyburn for his ruling.

      Also, great cover of "Change is Gonna Come"! Unfortunately, all I can find at You Tube are abridged versions. Is there a video of your complete performance?

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  57. Thank you for coming out and so publicly. The more of us who come out are paving the way for those still in hiding to feel safer about claiming all of who they are. The more of us out also provide a way for young people, teens, to seek out someone to talk to, especially when contemplating suicide. I hope they will. The suicide rate is highest among our gay youth. There are homeless teens all of this country trying to find their way, many succumbing to drugs, alcohol, and prostitution in order to eat or have a warm place to stay, because their religious parents threw them out of the house. My heart goes out to those kids, and I feel rage towards any parent who throw out their child because of their biological make up. Thank you again. I know you have just helped many feel better about themselves. You have given one the best gifts there is, hope.

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  58. I'm glad you found the courage to come out.

    Your words are very encouraging to others.

    It's nice to find another black lesbian blogger. For a long time I felt like I was alone.

    I'm adding you to my blogroll. :-)

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  59. Okay to repost parts of this at Many Voices: A Black Church Movement for Gay & Transgender Justice?

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  60. So wonderful to read your words, Djuan, and also read all the comments. I love it! Makes me think of 30 years ago when I was working as a temp. secretary and overheard some women talking about their vacation in Provincetown and how seeing gay women together (that's the word they used) made them want to throw up. I had been reading Audre Lorde at the time, so I screwed up all my courage and went over and told them they were talking about me. They were at least a little abashed. Anyway, I am sorry the world hasn't changed more since then, yet glad it has changed as much as it has! And... since queer love and intimacy can be a struggle sometimes, my partner Michelle and I are thrilled to be providing resources to help queer women and lesbians create happy, healthy relationships. Interested readers can check us out at www.consciousgirlfriend.com. Many blessings to you, Djuan, and to all of us!

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  61. Reading your post excited me beyond belief. Thank you for sharing this personal experience and being a voice for those who may not "look gay".

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  62. Thank you for your bravery Djuan, and for letting people know that queers can be proud southerners and beauty queens too! You defy stereotypes. Love from the Northwest!

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  63. You are a great inspiration, Djuan! I commend you for coming out as queer, and defending the use of the word! I wish you all the best.

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  64. Thank you for speaking out as you have Djuan! I live in Kentucky and hope and fight for the day that my mother and her partner can get married and have it be recognized by our state. My stepmom is an Army veteran who deserves the chance to be with my mom just as much as those whose freedoms she fought for. I'm very proud of them both and I look forward to the day when I can watch them get married.

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  65. Thanks for speaking out as you have Djuan! good post.
    assignment writing uk

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  66. So the big question is....are you single? Looking? :P (Hehe)

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